Postcard Wars

Germany’s Intercity Express, or ICE, trains, are badass. They have outlets beneath the seats, allowing me to type today’s dispatch while traveling from Gelsenkirchen, site of yesterday’s 3-0 Czech mashing of the United States, to Stuttgart, site of today’s game between France and Switzerland. I’m wearing my Swiss jersey to prepare for a second straight day of watching the games just outside the stadiums where they’re being played. In Gelsenkirchen it was a “Fan Fest” with a huge, high-quality screen in an old stadium beside the new one. Thousands of people everywhere. Upon arrival in Gelsenkirchen I was stunned by how many Americans were lurking about, gearing up for the big match a few hours later. Then I got to the Fan Fest and realized the Czech entourage had been there drinking for many hours already, dwarfing the U.S. fans in their numbers and outsinging them as well. Over and over came the refrains: “Cesi do toho!” (“Czechs all the way!”) and the ever-lovable “Kdo neskace neni Cech!” (“If you’re not jumping, you’re not a Czech!”). This was lovable until about the fifth minute of the game, when Jan Koller made no mistake and put that cross away HARD. 1-0 Czechs. Then Claudio Reyna hit the post for America and the Czechs came the other way, benefiting from the first of Tomas Rosicky’s two beautiful goals. At this point it became less fun to be an American in a sea of drunken Czech fans. Don’t know if I’ll be able to post photos today, but there will soon be images in this entry of disheartened, flag-draped U.S. fans and boisterous Czechs drinking three and four beers at the same time (OK, the beers were pretty small). “Cesi, cesi, cesi …”

By the way, we’re just passing through Cologne right now, where the Brazilians are certainly gearing up for tonight’s big opener against Croatia. And in a few hours it’ll be Togo – whose coach quit just a few days ago! – against the always formidable South Koreans. I will watch every minute of every match today. No more of this missing matches because of travel nonsense. Travel is to be done before or after the games. I was especially pissed about missing that Australia 3:1 Japan game yesterday, where the Socceroos scored three times in the last 10 minutes of the match to win. I am a wannabe Socceroo. Met some fine Socceroos in Stuttgart the other day who will be attending the Brazil and Croatia matches – lucky dudes. Go Mark Viduka.

So, on to more details. In the Gelsenkirchen Fan Fest yesterday I spied a group of beer-drinking, kilted Scots, from Glasga as it would turn out. Scotland didn’t qualify for the tournament, so why are you guys here? “We hope the English get beat,” was the reply. Shocking, isn’t it. Then there was a German wearing an Australia jersey but hanging out with a group of Czechs – a common theme at this World Cup. Many people seem to support non-native teams. A girl covered in a Czech flag two days ago in Stuttgart was actually German, and of course there’s always those who pull for T n T or Angola simply because they’re here. But it’s great to see an exchange of fans. Yesterday on the packed and drunken tram ride home from the Fan Fest, a Ghanaian (?) was dancing around with a group of Italians, after the Italians had posted a 2-0 win over his team. This is what the World Cup is all about. It’s almost as nice as those commercials narrated by Bono – nicer, in fact, because you don’t have to listen to Bono.

Let me now tell you about Stuttgart Man. Stuttgart Man is not one particular fellow but a type of fellow who has, mysteriously, lost track of time. This is because he is firmly rooted in the 1980s. Stuttgart Man, spotted throughout town on several different occasions, typically has greasy, black hair with a clear and well-defined Euromullet, sometimes bordering on Euromohawkmullet. Stuttgart Man will also be wearing a very tight white T-shirt, sometimes resembling a blouse. And Stuttgart Man will certainly be wearing skin-tight white pants to match his skin-tight white blouse. One Stuttgart Man eerily resembled a young Rocky Balboa (Stuttgart Man is typically a musclehead too.) It was as if he’d just stepped out of that meat locker in Philadelphia. Stuttgart Man!

So, I realize I’ve shirked on my dispatching responsibilities thus far in the tournament, but the fact is that wireless Internet is not nearly as prevalent as I expected it would be and time has been short. But I hope to improve as the week speeds on. After France-Switzerland today we are gearing up, of course, for tomorrow’s Germany-Poland game, which I am hopeful will result in a thrashing of the Poles, especially because the British folks sitting next to me on this ICE train are talking about how weak the German defense is. Righto, boys, and the English looked absolutely brilliant in that piss-poor Paraguay match two days ago. Do you think the Swedes will score on themselves when you play them? I’d better curtail that now.

The best matches of the World Cup so far would have to include Cote D’Ivoire-Argentina with an amazing Didi Drogba, the T n T-Sweden match which I missed but have heard was a winner and the opener between Germany and Costa Rica. Maybe Mexico-Iran, too, at least for the first half. The Italy-Ghana match was very entertaining yesterday even as the Czech-USA game ended as soon as it began. Spain and the Ukraine will come out of the woodwork against one another tomorrow, and I hope the Saudi Arabia-Tunisia match will turn out to be one of those diamonds in the rough, a wild 3-3 shootout or something to that effect. A good day of soccer awaits us again.

Keep the faith, America — Italy's not that good.